I’m a stay at home mom. I used to be a clinical psychologist. I used to be a teacher. I used to be a television anchor. I used to be a counselor. I was many things. Until the only thing I am now reduced to is ‘a mother’.

I can still be all those things and be a mother, sure. But due to various circumstances (involving geographical constraints/expat life and lack of a support group) and a conscious choice of wanting to raise my children as a first-person experience, rather than depending on nannies/housemaids, I am first and foremost a stay at home mother. 

That’s the label I chose and that’s the label I am comfortable with. What is creating cognitive dissonance and thereby producing this blog – is how this word ‘mother’ has become somewhat of a conflict with feminists – a label I also identify with. 

Some feminists consider motherhood or the glorification of motherhood to be an extension of patriarchy. Initial feminists or first wave feminists equated patriarchy and oppression of women with women’s naturalized positions as mothers (viz Simone de Beauvoir, Betty Friedan). Later writings did begin with disclaimers that stated that feminism was not against women having children, but it seems as if the debate is far from over. Especially since some feminists began calling Michelle Obama a ‘feminist nightmare’ because of her role as ‘mom-in-chief’. 

I am not about to launch into a debate whether the First Lady of the United States is a good enough feminist for the United States or not - because the feminists in the United States are already doing that. Right now, that seems a distant issue to me. What does seem relevant to me in this scenario is that does this make equality an unapproachable concept to mothers all over the world? Does being a mother mean I cannot be a feminist, believe in equality of human beings or identify as someone who considers motherhood a full time job?

Does this mean that I can only garner respect in ‘liberal’/‘feminist’ circles if I wear a suit, a tie, carry a briefcase and give orders and attend board meetings - basically emulate a man? Does this mean that I can only be celebrated a champion of female rights if I tell the world that I do not want babies or any of those ‘typical’ responsibilities because I am an educated woman with a bright future? Does this mean that because I chose to stay with my children in their formative years, chose to give up my sleep, my body, my social life - I am now not in the sphere of being called a ‘true feminist’?

While I understand that being a full-time mom means that it makes the man the sole breadwinner - but if the balance works, why not? And if by being a ‘breadwinner’, a woman can also be a good parent (working moms can be amazing mothers indeed, no doubts about that) - why can’t the man also be a bread winner as well as being a good parent? And as long as both make a good parenting team - without encroaching on each other’s rights, if consent is involved on both sides, how can we call such an arrangement anti-feminist? Many women, including myself, follow this arrangement and do not feel that it makes us less of a feminist. Mainly because I, for one, know that earning money and making enough to provide for a good home is just as equally important as feeding, bathing, cleaning, overall taking care of the offspring. This doesn’t make my husband a superman and it doesn’t make me his servant - it makes us both good parents who are doing whatever is in their reach to provide for our children. 

What saddens me is that when you tell feminists that motherhood is indeed a powerful, life-altering experience, you get a strange mixture of responses. People tell you that it feeds into the patriarchal notion of conservative role of the mother and pressurises women into having children. It seems far from the truth to me. First of all, motherhood is a choice - and if someone is pushed into making a choice (motherhood or career, even), that makes it oppression. To blame motherhood for oppression is misleading and unfair to motherhood and to many women who did choose it willingly and knowingly. Second of all, the amount of work that goes into being a mother cannot be emphasized enough. This includes the next step in the great feminism debate - men being involved parents, creating support groups for mothers and most importantly, not telling mothers that they are not ‘feminist enough’.

It’s a strangely intolerant world that we live in anyways. Some liberals are not liberal enough for other liberals. Some Muslims are not Muslim enough for other Muslims. Some are not Pakistani enough for other Pakistanis. We now add to this laundry list of irritants by not being feminist enough by being full time mothers. In a globalised, pluralistic world where we need more tolerance, more inclusiveness, we could all do with a little less exclusion and a little more inclusion.