Image Courtesy: ESPN Cricinfo

Dear Diary,

I know I have been neglecting you these last few weeks but as you may have noticed, things have been a little rough out here. For two decades, I have convinced almost half a nation that I am the second coming but I get the feeling – and it’s just a feeling – that they might just be on to me now.

I could be wrong though. In fact there is a very good chance I am wrong.  I mean let’s be honest here, I am not good at reading things; I failed to read the pitch against India and failed to read the situation against New Zealand. And heck, those are things I am supposed to know about. There is a reason why I have the worst captaincy record amongst all Pakistani T20 captains.

Anyway, people seem to be really mad at us for playing how we did at the World T20. I genuinely feel that a lot of this anger has stemmed from how our sisters – who by the way should be locked in their rooms and only allowed outside to make biryani – performed at the women’s edition. The truth of the matter is their journey was not much different from ours. Like us, they beat Bangladesh comprehensively, lost against West Indies and England and got lucky against India with the rain. If only it had rained when Sharjeel was batting against New Zealand, we would have, unlike the ladies gone through to the semis.

This Sana Mir girl seems to be getting a lot of attention for the way she has led the women’s team and carried out her duties with dignity and poise. Apparently she has also stepped down from the T20 captaincy and people want me to do the same. They also want me to retire but at 36 and having played for 20 years, I really feel I am hitting my prime and that my best years are ahead of me. Having played as an all-rounder, batting all-rounder, bowling all-rounder, captain and underperformed for the most part in all roles, I have now acquired valuable lessons which should hold me in good stead when I lead the team out for the 2030 World Cup.

Sana though, is the least of my worries at the moment. Vicky Bhai seems pretty upset though and has written a detailed report highlighting my deficiencies. However, if the past is anything to by, I should not be too concerned. He tried to mess with me in 2011 as well and look how that turned out.

Players and board members have never really worried me. My strength and backbone have always been my fans that have stood by me through thick and thin. My plan has always been to deflect responsibility and subsequently pass the blame on to senior players, junior players, masseuse and/or basically anyone associated with the team. A classic example of this is how I rarely bowl during Powerplay overs or at the death when the batsmen are looking to score runs quickly. This ensures my own bowling figures are not damaged.

However, it appears that others, most notably Vicky Bhai and Shehryar Sahib have caught wind of my strategy and started doing the same themselves. It is for this reason that I had to issue a public apology by video to the nation. Hopefully, I have managed to tug at the heart strings of my gullible nation and bought myself another few years of starring in future Head n Shoulders campaigns.

Even though, in my mind, I am fully convinced that there is no need for me to retire, I shall still, as stated on live television, discuss this with my elders and present my position in the coming days. The elders have tried to draw my attention to the dismal bowling performances of the last couple of years but I have assured them that I have done a lot worse and still managed to be a part of the team. In any case, we will not be playing for a few months now and by that time everyone would have forgotten how much I sucked.

Legacy is also something I am mindful off and one of the primary reasons I want to continue playing. I see all these left-arm fast bowlers emerging left right and center and attribute this to the ‘Wasim Bhai Effect’. While I may not be able to inspire left-arm quicks, what I can do is inspire every good looking but talentless no-hope, that if you side with the right people and play your cards right, you can expect a long and prosperous career. It goes without saying that watching Ahmed Shahzad blossom fills me with great pride.

As I write this, I have been told that Vicky Bhai’s report has been made public. Time to call #ThankyouRaheelSharif.

P.S. That Steve Waugh quote is true. Really.